The Office - Rant Edition

Guys. I had a run in with my manager at work today. A legit fist clenching run in that had me all worked up and annoyed. I know right, whaaat? I'm not usually one to argue or fight in the office. I'm not going to lie, but it's mainly because I'm not the biggest fan of confrontation. So I can usually sweep any sort of disagreement under the rug; pretend it never happened; bite my tongue; or even admit I'm wrong (even when I'm not), just to get the bad energy out of the air and avoid any sort of conflict. But today, dear God, I was on the verge of smacking a bitch up the head sideways. When I raised my voice and hands - yes, I raised my hands in anger (shit just got real) - I surprised even myself, and realised there was no turning back. "All or nothing homegirl, get serious or look like an absolute idiot," I thought. The argument ended in the embarrassing and somewhat yielding reply of something along the lines of, "Look *insert name here* (in fear of losing my job purposes [because she will find this blog through stalking her employees online]), I DON'T CARE!" Good one Pele. Goooooooood one. Why don't you just tell her you're a foolish 21-year-old sucker who can't argue her point.

It ruined my day. And it happened within the last half an hour on the job. Everything was going just swimmingly until old Boss Lady got all high and mighty. Way to kill a close to perfect Thursday! I boosted out of there as soon as 3.30pm hit, (angry speedy driving and all), had a tea, cig and rant to Sam when I got home (I haven't even mentioned that I live with my cousin Sam in our own house now - fancy), and after all that, I was still a taddle on the fuming side. What theeeee? This doesn't happen to me! Tea, cigarettes and ranting usually does the trick in these situations! (As previously mentioned here.)

As I was off raving about the silly woman who doesn't have the social skills to manage staff, I noticed I was rattling off things like, "you know people who are like that?", and, "you know the kinds of people that just do that sort of thing?" etc. I was pointing out characteristics in people that drive me up the wall. Now, I like to think I'm a nice person, or at least try to be. I admit I can be a bitch sometimes but it's usually in that 'taking the piss' manner, or at worst, it's not so much that 'angry at certain people' manner, but more the 'aggravated by the traits these fuckwits possess' manner. What has happened to me?! I myself don't even know an angry version of me!

So in an attempt to hopefully banish this angry version of myself that I saw today (à la Smeagol vs Gollum? Disturbing but lol), I ask that the following types of people steer clear of me. Help me out. Don't talk to me and the world will be a better place, without any bad energy and mustard coloured auras. (Had to Google that one, and wow sidenote, I want to read up on auras and teach myself to recognise them in people, what a talent! Cue gypsy dream of mine.)

1. Assholes who are apparently NEVER wrong.
I sometimes think I'm more often correct than incorrect, but at least I can admit when I'm wrong. Dickheads who are adamant that they're on the money 100% of the time can kindly fuck off. Especially when they're proven wrong and continue to stand by their argument; rephrase the correct answer as you've been telling them for the past thirty minutes (you've gottttt to be kidding me); or worse, those who make excuses for why they were wrong (usually piss poor ones e.g., "Oh ok, well I haven't actually gone through learning that whole process" - Whaaat? Really? Cos you were just talking like you had a PhD in it). Big ups to you if you are always right, and you know everything. I want to be like you so I don't find myself in these situations.

2. Proportion Blowers
No one likes the token guy in the office who loses his marbles when a tiny problem incurs. Holy shit, there's no more paper! Someone call 20/20, right after the police! We all know the entire office block is going to burst into flames and auto-lock every fire exit so that everyone will perish... Because there's no paper! It's fucking paper dude. Send someone around the corner to get a few realms until a stationery order is done for tomorrow for goodness sake. Don't pull an AK47 on the poor receptionist who should have ordered it last week, the poor girl just forgot. Note: No, this wasn't me, but the new receptionist nearly cried when she was guilt tripped about the fiasco - because OMG, we can't print for thirty minutes while you go and get some more.

3. V.I.E's (Very Important Employees)
You know the kind. Those who think that the whole place will crumble if they're not there for a day. I know of one manager who called nearly every customer the day after they were sick, to let them know she was away sick on Monday, so that's probably why a certain task wasn't done. "Oh, it was done?" ...Well she was away so she didn't know, and if she were there, it still would have been done. Really? No. REALLY? They're also the one who runs around the office ten minutes after the system has gone down, to tell everyone the system has gone down. Uhh we gathered that homegirl, we're all just basking in the fact that we don't have to do any work for ten minutes. But don't worry team! She's on it, and the technician she called in NSW told her she should reboot the system from the motherboard and it should be fine. Oh, thank God you're here V.I.E! Because none of us commoners could have done that even though the exact same thing happened when you were away sick on Monday! SERIOUSLY!?

4. Contradictory Head-Doers
Simple. Don't tell me to do one thing, then change your mind two days later, and make out that I was doing it all wrong from the start at my own hand. I'm not a child, you can't think I wouldn't remember what you said, or pretend like you didn't tell me what to do in the first place. I'm going to remember. And I'll probably bang my head against a brick wall when you change your mind a third time because I'll bite my tongue as I do, just to avoid the argument. I wonder if you could get work cover for any sort of injury caused by brick wall head banging?

5. Ticking Time Bombs
There's some sort of unwritten rule that clearly says something along the lines of 'don't bring your personal problems to work' - honest. Sure, I totally understand that sometimes this is easier said than done. But at least try to! I'm talking about the Ticking Time Bombs who had a fight with the missus last night then bring the bullshit to work today, badly disguised as a frown and grumble. They're a Ticking Time Bomb because we're all waiting for them to lose their shit over a minuscule problem. All they need is a nudge that will push them over the edge into absolute rage. Goodness gracious, do not ask any favours of the Ticking Time Bomb - you are pretty much acting as the guy who snips the blue wire instead of the red. Ticking Time Bomb - not sure if you're aware buddy, but everyone is walking on eggshells around you because no one wants to catch your bad mood. Leave your shit at home pal!

6. Does-No-Work Douchebags
I don't even know what to call these people. I just want to call them douchebags, but it doesn't describe why, so I'm going with Does-No-Work Douchebags. I'm not sure of how common these people are in the workplace but I've come across one in my current job and wow. Just wow. I swear, she doesn't do any work all day because she palms it off onto other people to do because she's - QUOTE - "...really busy at the moment. Just absolutely snowed under... I haven't even checked my... *looks at computer screen* ...fourteen emails this morning yet." - CLOSE QUOTE - Woah! Fourteen?! So popular! Yeeeeeettttt, she still finds time to make up a bum ass flyer that a 13-year-old could have done, to inform everyone of the staff luncheon on Friday? Reeeeeally busy she is. The worst part is that she then walks around the office showing everyone, to let them know before posting it up somewhere - *Knock knock on office door* "Ok, I've just done up a flyer to let everyone know about the luncheon on Friday... Here it is *shoves shit flyer in face* So I'm just going to post it up by the photocopier so everyone can see it. Look, I put the KFC logo on there... *proud grin spreads across face* ...Great isn't it?!" - Yeah great? YOU HAVE SERIOUSLY GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

Which leads me to...

7. Walking Email Confirmations
*Knock knock on office door... Realises you're on the phone... Waits or stares at you until you're off...*
W.E.C: "Hey uhh, I don't know if you've checked your emails yet, but I sent you one regarding that account"
Me: "Oh ok, I haven't got it yet, I'll check them now, thanks"
W.E.C: "Yeah well I just sent it so you should get it any second now"
Me:  "Oh... Ok *refreshes browser* ...Oh yup there it is" (sent one minute ago)
W.E.C: "Ok good. *W.E.C. lingers in doorway* ...are you uh... are you going to read it?"
Me: "Oh, yeah, I'm just in the middle of something right now. Will do right after this though"
W.E.C: "Ok... Well it basically says that it's a new account and it has the account number there and their limit and just a brief description on the company. They specialise in *insert so-called description here (aka noise)*"

WHAT THE SHIT?! Is that even a thing?! If you send me an email: a) you don't need to walk over to make sure I got it! If I don't reply, then yeah, it's kosher to do so, b) if you've just sent the damn thing, then chances are that no, I haven't read it yet, and c) get the fuck outta here. Really? You're going to come through, ask if I got the email you sent two seconds ago, then force me to read it while you're watching over my shoulder but then tell me what's in the email before I get the chance to actually read it? Really? Cheers, thanks, you're a real Class A act.

I'm not even kidding right now, but this whole post makes me a little bit on edge just thinking about the aforementioned douchebags. Clearly, I'm talking about office/typical workplace douchebags, not the general population. But if you inhabit any of the above traits, please do me a favour and realise that you are difficult to work with. At least tone it down? I'd like to believe I do a pretty good job of doing my part to make my workplace a happy, enjoyable one - I'm sure most people do. Apparently as the token Kiwi, I'm supposed to scab lunch, swear heaps, "sunk heaps of puss" (traduzione: "sink heaps of piss"), and do dumb things like throw balls of Blu-Tack at passers by, in order to keep the people around me happy. And I do it. To keep my workplace happy... Aaaand also because there's nothing like striking an innocent warehouse boy square between the eyes as they stand outside my office talking to a customer (muahaha). But the above described colleagues I have come across in the workforce have this weird ability to ruin all my hard work of 'ready, aim, and fire Blu-Tack' - all with something as simple as tone of voice, of course, followed by the rest, *exasperated sigh*.

I just did some extra Googling and mustard coloured auras are actually disgusting and I don't want one. As much as I love my mustard coloured woolly jumper, mustard coloured auras - not so much!

ABSTAIN FROM MUSTARD AURAS!
and to you pricks who are the reason for mustard auras in the workplace? hi.